Jem vs. The Forces Of Evil

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Once upon a time, three villains assembled in their boardroom for their weekly 'Dastardly Deeds Forthcoming' meeting...

"Today's dastardly deed involves a personality-morphing potion I have concocted," Dr Evil began "Skeletor, don a disguise and find me someone to test it on!".

Meanwhile, across town, Jem and The Holograms were collecting an Oscar for 'Outstanding achievements in big hair throughout the 80s'.

Later backstage, Skeletor snuck up behind Jem wearing a Jennifer Love Hewitt disguise and poured some of the potion over her.

As Skeletor scurried away, Jem was overcome by a strange sensation and felt her face contort in a most unattractive manner!

A puff of smoke followed, which cleared to reveal a startling new look for Jem!
"Oh my god she's got a whip!" Aja and Shana of The Holograms squealed scooping up Kimber and preparing to use her as a human shield.

"I must find naughty boys," Jem snarled storming past them "And I must PUNISH them!"

Sometime later, in the red light district, Jem found exactly the kind of place she was looking for!

"WHO'S outrageous?" Jem shrieked, violently whipping Ernie.
"You are! You are!" Ernie cried.
"HOW outrageous???"
"Truly! TRULY!"

Meanwhile, back in the Evil Villain's Lair...
Dr Evil caught up on some sewing in the boardroom while awaiting the return of Darth and Skeletor from a toilet break.

Wondering what could possibly be taking them so long, he suddenly noticed that his beloved cat Mr Bigglesworth was also missing and checked the cat's favourite place, his litter box.

Having no luck there, Dr Evil wandered the halls in search of his feline friend, before finally arriving in the bathroom where he gasped at the sight before him!

"Flush it! Flush it!'" chanted Darth.
"What are you doing to Mr Bigglesworth?!?!" Dr Evil shrieked.
"Uh, he was dirty, we were just washing him," Skeletor explained as Dr Evil snatched Mr Bigglesworth from them.

Back at Jem and The Holograms' mansion:
The Holograms pondered Jem's strange behavior over a cup of coffee when suddenly she stormed in, having totally changed personality again!

"Jem what the hell is up with you?" Kimber gasped.
"Bog off you $#!@% prats!" shouted Jem, tipping over the table!

"Oh my god!" Shana gasped "Jem's gone punk!"
Jem went out, and, upon finding a nightclub, pushed to the front of the line.
"No queue jumping!" the doorman barked.

"Kiss my arse!" Jem shouted storming inside the club before snorting in disgust at the sight of a cheesy pop band performing on stage.

"You call this music? I've never heard such $#!@& crap in my life!" Jem shouted snatching a guitar off one of the band members and attempting to club him with it.

"You're out of here you green-haired freak!" the doorman snarled, dragging Jem off the stage.

"She killed our lead singer!" one of the Dolly Birds wailed.
"He's just fainted you silly broads!" the bouncer snapped as he muscled Jem out the door and threw her in the gutter.
"Fascist bastard!" she yelled giving him the finger.

The next morning, after partying all night long, Jem woke up in the strangest of places!

"What the $#!@& am I doing in a dumpster?" wondered Jem aloud, as a strange figure appeared before her.

"Woah, how much glue did I sniff last night?" Jem gasped.
"You must fight the spell that has been placed upon you my child," the figure said "I will assist you with directions to the culprits' lair, and fit you out with new clothes. Because quite frankly, you look and smell like crap."
Suddenly Jem felt a warm sensation come over her and rose to her feet, arms outstretched to reveal a whole new look!

Sometime later, Jem stormed the Villain's lair:

"Repent! You sadistic little men!" she shouted at them.

"Not a chance!" Dr Evil scoffed as he clapped his hands and a new look Jem was unveiled!

"Eeeeeek!" Jem cried racing from the lair.
"Anyone care to help a girl out with some clothes?" Jem called to passers by in the street "I'm a little chilly!".

Jem ducked into a nearby library and hid amongst the books, unaware that Skeletor had followed her, hoping to fulfill a former school boy fantasy. He closed his eyes and mentally pictured Jem as a sexy librarian, before opening his eyes and gasping in excitement!

"Excuse me Miss," Skeletor breathed giddily "I have a library book at home which is overdue. I really think I might need a spanking. Perhaps you could spank my tushie with a copy of Clarissa Pinkola's 'Women Who Run With The Wolves'?"

"Oh I'll give you a spanking alright you creep!" Jem snapped, slapping his face!

Meanwhile back at the Villain's lair:Upon returning home, Skeletor went into the bathroom to get a cold washer for his stinging face, only to find Dr Evil in the bath.
"My, you look different with your clothes off!" Skeletor commented.

"You should see what's under the bubbles," Dr Evil smiled.
Out in the main room the video intercom sounded. Darth switched it on to see Kimber, Aja and Shana of the Holograms appear on the screen.

"We're door knocking looking for our friend Jem," Aja explained. "Have you seen her?"
"She's here, why don't you come in and collect her," Darth lied, opening the door before swiftly throwing some of the potion over them.
"Now dance for me my buxom beauties!" he cheered.

Moments later Jem came crashing through the wall sporting a whole new look!

"Oh we are in SO much trouble!" Skeletor gasped backing away.
"I'm not going down without a fight!" Darth cried grabbing a quiche from the nearby dinner table and preparing to throw it at Jem.
"Hey don't waste a good quiche, I was up all night baking that!" Dr Evil shouted "Throw this double cheese pizza instead!".

Darth threw the pizza at Jem who skillfully dodged the projectile with a manoeuvre that would make Keanu proud!

Skeletor however, was not so lucky!

"It's time for a taste of your own medicine!" Jem cried pouring the remaining potion over the villains.
"What are you doing dressed as a Las Vegas show girl?" Skeletor spat at Dr Evil and Darth.
"Looked in the mirror lately you frickin' imbecile?" Dr Evil shot back.
"What are you worried about?" Darth sulked to Skeletor "At least your tiara matches your gown!"

"The villains have been beaten," Jem cheered "I think it's time to go home."
"I wonder how long it'll be before the potion wears off," said Aja.
"Not for a while I hope." Kimber giggled "I'm just loving these new boobs!"
"Yeah," Shana agreed "With a chest like this I'll never have to worry about a speeding ticket ever again!"

Follow the links below to read some of my other toy adventures!

Jem In A Jam

Barbie's Love Dilemma

America's Next Top Model

Happy Birthday He-Man

Survivor Toyland

Copyright © Cade Buchanan 2014

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